An amazing girl friend of mine shared that with me this week. I laugh because I didn't even see things this way until now. Friendship for me has been a very rocky journey, that started when I was a little girl who really had zero self esteem, mostly because I was slightly awkward but also very outspoken and people being people...let me know that.
I was the kid who had candy placed in her hair, I was called fat more times than I can count (I was the same size as all the other girls) and I was made the subject of insults for years at my school, to the point that my parents finally took me out of school. I cried myself to sleep most nights and I genuinely began to hate myself. I hated who God made me to be. I hated how I looked, I hated me. I know a lot of little girls and boys can relate to this story and I feel for them. Deeply.
This began a long journey of trying to "do" stuff to be loved by other people. I thought... okay if I can help people... maybe I'll be accepted and I was right, I was to an extent. Throughout High School and even in college this perspective continued to be my anchor in relationships. It turned out though I had a few expectations of those I'd helped. I wanted them to love me back... and for life. But, often, these same people wouldn't be there when I thought they needed to be. I found myself constantly disappointed and dissatisfied. I was so angry at life and at people. I thought, why even try? I started to realize I wanted them to know they had hurt me. I wanted justice. Because, why don't I deserve to be treated the way others want to be treated? Why don't I get the same blah blah blah treatment... and well... ME!!!!!
So I began telling my friends what I thought of their behavior at every turn. I didn't like that, they needed to change that, God didn't like that about them. Wow I turned into a total cow, looking back. I of course would continue doing "good" for these people, but ultimately expected, expected expected....
Its amazing how life changes you.. Fast forward a few years and I have no friends. The friends I do have can't stand me half the time and the others are just bidding hi to me when they have to. At this point I had been in quite a few screaming matches with friends and had said more than my fair share of sharp words, attacking their character. God had a few lessons to teach me...
It has been a long, very painful journey in this area of my life. First realizing I have value and that Christs perspective of me is the only one that matters. That's a long story for another day, but lets just say I'm finally loving who God made me to be and its really a lot of fun. I was trying to find my value in people, who are feeble, changing and often self focused... oops. I know this because I'm the same way. :)
The second lesson, was in how I treat others. Because over time I realized people need you to set your own relational boundaries (people will treat you the way you let them treat you) and also, to attack someone's character or dreams is to attack what Gods perspective of them is. I realize words hurt. I never want to make fun of people who have gifting's but haven't moved in them, I want to believe with them. I never want to tear someone down because they've hurt me, I want to express my pain and be vulnerable. I never want to make someone feel the way I've felt.
Ultimately I am so blessed. I have an amazing family and today I have healthier friendships than I've ever had but its funny how long that all took. Some of those people I had to well, let go of because they didn't value me. It doesn't mean God doesn't believe in them or love them, it just means that I had to let go. So conflict does not always mean resolution. It means resolution sometimes to believe in who God said you are, to be kind to people, but to set healthy boundaries. Conflict and resolution yes, but sometimes maybe not in the way you had originally thought.
I love this one too!!! God has done a great thing in you, and I'm so sorry that you were bullied so much! I had noooooo idea. It is so easy to pick on others when we are hurt- whether it's because we want justice or because we just want them to feel as we have felt. I believe it's true that the enemy hates the goodness that God puts inside of us- and all the beauty that comes along with that goodness. That's why you were picked on- because the enemy was trying (though he failed) to destroy something beautiful that really is a reflection of the heart of God. We take it personal, but it's not. It's that certain people have allowed themselves to be tools in the enemy's hands to destroy. Now, God is being faithful to complete what he started in you... No weapon formed against you will prosper!!! Xoxo
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