Crying in Church

Angry me. That's who you might see during the week when my kids are screaming, the laundry isn't done and my boss just told me I suck.  That's the me that wants to scream and yell and be upset and... and sometimes I do, not proud moments, but moments indeed.

Happy me... that's the me that is rested, snuggling with my man, reading a good book, relaxed refreshed and enjoying my girls playing nicely...

Sad me... Likely shriveled up in a ball on my bed, alone. Yeah that ones always depressing.

Church me..ALWAYS in tears.  I think I've seen a few people cock their heads at me with perplexed faces a few times at my open show of emotion in a somewhat public setting. I'm that girl... you'll see me in the back of the church, head down crying probably more often than you'll get communion. I used to be a bit embarrassed about this. But, lately I've been embracing the tears and letting them flow. I've been embracing the undone....re-worked...totally changed... ever changing me.

You see, its been a long journey to finding myself. I turn 30 in a week and what do I have to show for it? From the outside you might say a beautiful family (two girls who I absolutely adore) and a very handsome husband.  Seriously.... he's hot.

But on the inside I've gone from control freak to totally out of control. I've let go of so much going deeper in my perspective of Grace and Love that God has for me and others than I ever thought possible. I absolutely know I have a long journey ahead but the journey so far has been, well interesting and mildly, well terrifying.

This blog is an explanation... not that I owe anyone an explanation or that anyone even asked me for an explanation of all those Sunday mornings I spent crying in my seat, totally enthralled. Totally lost with Jesus. Its an explanation and a record of how someone can be changed from an absolute control freak, totally focused on their ability to perform in life, until suddenly life performed me. It shook me, broke me, took me to a place of brokenness I never imagined and I imagine it won't be the last time. But in all of it. My life, before the Lord becomes Undone.

Welcome to my Undone Life.