My life is a little crazy right now. I'm watch 3 kids Monday through Friday. Two toddlers and a 4 year old can teach you a lot about yourself, your patience and your willingness to give when your, well done giving. I had someone recently pass judgment on me about how I chose to put my kids before a "real" business position. I'm writing this one, because well I feel like until you have kids, please don't talk to me about life priorities and until you've been through my life, walked in my shoes, please don't tell me I'm not doing "enough" for women in our society. In fact, our society is screwed up and a lack of mom's sacrificing for their kids is a huge part of the problem...
Until you have kids you don't realize how real this term is "Its better to give than to receive". "Above all else, love". Before I had kids, the first thing I thought of in the morning when rolling out of bed was myself. I thought of how I would get through another "grueling" day. Now, I'm not saying my life was without challenges, but truly it was completely about me.
Every day was about me. How I looked, how I felt, how I couldn't face another day without this thing or that thing I didn't have. I was quite honestly very selfish. I had a heart for other people sure, but it was with the premise that I was the good one. I had accomplished some great feat by helping someone in need. What a crock.
Today my life is filled with shit. Diaper shit, crying babies, dancing around a room like an idiot with my girls, cleaning up snotty noses, waking up often 5 times a week at 1AM when my little girls are sick. I got the guy of my dreams, the independence I sought and yet so little of life is "mine". Everything I have, all of my energy goes into these sweet babies. But why? Why give up my 4 year degree? Why not pursue "my goals". Now, I grew up with a career mom and I truly believe she did an amazing job given the circumstances. However, here is what so many young women are missing these days... today, your kids are young. You can teach them. YOU can raise them. You can mold their character and build stability in their lives like no one else. These years, they won't come back around. For this reason, until my children are in full time school, I won't be working as anything but a nanny God willing.
Being a mom is not easy. If it was, A LOT more women would be choosing to stay at home frankly. I had a pediatrician (female) with two little kids tell me the other day that she thinks staying at home would be way harder than going to work every day. Work has structure, work doesn't have little people screaming at you for a baba randomly, pulling at your nerves. Work is work. Kids however, they are a little more unpredictable. They will mess with your computer, make huge messes on the floor, scream and hit and cry and on and on...so if your looking for an unpredictable job, that will build your character, be a mom.
You have no escape from these little people who have taken over your lives, when your a mom. The cool thing though, is they take over your heart as well. You rejoice when they learn something new, laugh when they are being silly and commend them when they are doing something that takes character. Today, so many moms have chosen not to engage with their children. Partly because I believe society looks down on us Stay at Home Moms. I don't look down on anyone, but I don't like to be judged for my life. I will work one day. But your not in my life and if you choose to judge someone who prefers the sweet smile of their children each morning to a desk and a computer in an office, then you've missed the point all together. I am college educated, I am very employable, I am a hard worker, I am a mom.
I choose to put my kids first. I hope so many other women out there do too, if they are able. Life is about loving people first, not about the amount of money we have in our pockets. Do what you have to do, but if you are given the opportunity to stay home with your kids at least for a season, take it. It will make you and them such deeper people. It will build in you love and patience you never thought possible. I love my kids. Period. Word.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Friends: Conflict and Resolution... Wait...
"When you attack someone's character you are partnering with the Devil to help them believe that about themselves" - My Dear Friend
An amazing girl friend of mine shared that with me this week. I laugh because I didn't even see things this way until now. Friendship for me has been a very rocky journey, that started when I was a little girl who really had zero self esteem, mostly because I was slightly awkward but also very outspoken and people being people...let me know that.
I was the kid who had candy placed in her hair, I was called fat more times than I can count (I was the same size as all the other girls) and I was made the subject of insults for years at my school, to the point that my parents finally took me out of school. I cried myself to sleep most nights and I genuinely began to hate myself. I hated who God made me to be. I hated how I looked, I hated me. I know a lot of little girls and boys can relate to this story and I feel for them. Deeply.
This began a long journey of trying to "do" stuff to be loved by other people. I thought... okay if I can help people... maybe I'll be accepted and I was right, I was to an extent. Throughout High School and even in college this perspective continued to be my anchor in relationships. It turned out though I had a few expectations of those I'd helped. I wanted them to love me back... and for life. But, often, these same people wouldn't be there when I thought they needed to be. I found myself constantly disappointed and dissatisfied. I was so angry at life and at people. I thought, why even try? I started to realize I wanted them to know they had hurt me. I wanted justice. Because, why don't I deserve to be treated the way others want to be treated? Why don't I get the same blah blah blah treatment... and well... ME!!!!!
So I began telling my friends what I thought of their behavior at every turn. I didn't like that, they needed to change that, God didn't like that about them. Wow I turned into a total cow, looking back. I of course would continue doing "good" for these people, but ultimately expected, expected expected....
Its amazing how life changes you.. Fast forward a few years and I have no friends. The friends I do have can't stand me half the time and the others are just bidding hi to me when they have to. At this point I had been in quite a few screaming matches with friends and had said more than my fair share of sharp words, attacking their character. God had a few lessons to teach me...
It has been a long, very painful journey in this area of my life. First realizing I have value and that Christs perspective of me is the only one that matters. That's a long story for another day, but lets just say I'm finally loving who God made me to be and its really a lot of fun. I was trying to find my value in people, who are feeble, changing and often self focused... oops. I know this because I'm the same way. :)
The second lesson, was in how I treat others. Because over time I realized people need you to set your own relational boundaries (people will treat you the way you let them treat you) and also, to attack someone's character or dreams is to attack what Gods perspective of them is. I realize words hurt. I never want to make fun of people who have gifting's but haven't moved in them, I want to believe with them. I never want to tear someone down because they've hurt me, I want to express my pain and be vulnerable. I never want to make someone feel the way I've felt.
Ultimately I am so blessed. I have an amazing family and today I have healthier friendships than I've ever had but its funny how long that all took. Some of those people I had to well, let go of because they didn't value me. It doesn't mean God doesn't believe in them or love them, it just means that I had to let go. So conflict does not always mean resolution. It means resolution sometimes to believe in who God said you are, to be kind to people, but to set healthy boundaries. Conflict and resolution yes, but sometimes maybe not in the way you had originally thought.
An amazing girl friend of mine shared that with me this week. I laugh because I didn't even see things this way until now. Friendship for me has been a very rocky journey, that started when I was a little girl who really had zero self esteem, mostly because I was slightly awkward but also very outspoken and people being people...let me know that.
I was the kid who had candy placed in her hair, I was called fat more times than I can count (I was the same size as all the other girls) and I was made the subject of insults for years at my school, to the point that my parents finally took me out of school. I cried myself to sleep most nights and I genuinely began to hate myself. I hated who God made me to be. I hated how I looked, I hated me. I know a lot of little girls and boys can relate to this story and I feel for them. Deeply.
This began a long journey of trying to "do" stuff to be loved by other people. I thought... okay if I can help people... maybe I'll be accepted and I was right, I was to an extent. Throughout High School and even in college this perspective continued to be my anchor in relationships. It turned out though I had a few expectations of those I'd helped. I wanted them to love me back... and for life. But, often, these same people wouldn't be there when I thought they needed to be. I found myself constantly disappointed and dissatisfied. I was so angry at life and at people. I thought, why even try? I started to realize I wanted them to know they had hurt me. I wanted justice. Because, why don't I deserve to be treated the way others want to be treated? Why don't I get the same blah blah blah treatment... and well... ME!!!!!
So I began telling my friends what I thought of their behavior at every turn. I didn't like that, they needed to change that, God didn't like that about them. Wow I turned into a total cow, looking back. I of course would continue doing "good" for these people, but ultimately expected, expected expected....
Its amazing how life changes you.. Fast forward a few years and I have no friends. The friends I do have can't stand me half the time and the others are just bidding hi to me when they have to. At this point I had been in quite a few screaming matches with friends and had said more than my fair share of sharp words, attacking their character. God had a few lessons to teach me...
It has been a long, very painful journey in this area of my life. First realizing I have value and that Christs perspective of me is the only one that matters. That's a long story for another day, but lets just say I'm finally loving who God made me to be and its really a lot of fun. I was trying to find my value in people, who are feeble, changing and often self focused... oops. I know this because I'm the same way. :)
The second lesson, was in how I treat others. Because over time I realized people need you to set your own relational boundaries (people will treat you the way you let them treat you) and also, to attack someone's character or dreams is to attack what Gods perspective of them is. I realize words hurt. I never want to make fun of people who have gifting's but haven't moved in them, I want to believe with them. I never want to tear someone down because they've hurt me, I want to express my pain and be vulnerable. I never want to make someone feel the way I've felt.
Ultimately I am so blessed. I have an amazing family and today I have healthier friendships than I've ever had but its funny how long that all took. Some of those people I had to well, let go of because they didn't value me. It doesn't mean God doesn't believe in them or love them, it just means that I had to let go. So conflict does not always mean resolution. It means resolution sometimes to believe in who God said you are, to be kind to people, but to set healthy boundaries. Conflict and resolution yes, but sometimes maybe not in the way you had originally thought.
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Crying in Church
Angry me. That's who you might see during the week when my kids are screaming, the laundry isn't done and my boss just told me I suck. That's the me that wants to scream and yell and be upset and... and sometimes I do, not proud moments, but moments indeed.
Happy me... that's the me that is rested, snuggling with my man, reading a good book, relaxed refreshed and enjoying my girls playing nicely...
Sad me... Likely shriveled up in a ball on my bed, alone. Yeah that ones always depressing.
Church me..ALWAYS in tears. I think I've seen a few people cock their heads at me with perplexed faces a few times at my open show of emotion in a somewhat public setting. I'm that girl... you'll see me in the back of the church, head down crying probably more often than you'll get communion. I used to be a bit embarrassed about this. But, lately I've been embracing the tears and letting them flow. I've been embracing the undone....re-worked...totally changed... ever changing me.
You see, its been a long journey to finding myself. I turn 30 in a week and what do I have to show for it? From the outside you might say a beautiful family (two girls who I absolutely adore) and a very handsome husband. Seriously.... he's hot.
But on the inside I've gone from control freak to totally out of control. I've let go of so much going deeper in my perspective of Grace and Love that God has for me and others than I ever thought possible. I absolutely know I have a long journey ahead but the journey so far has been, well interesting and mildly, well terrifying.
This blog is an explanation... not that I owe anyone an explanation or that anyone even asked me for an explanation of all those Sunday mornings I spent crying in my seat, totally enthralled. Totally lost with Jesus. Its an explanation and a record of how someone can be changed from an absolute control freak, totally focused on their ability to perform in life, until suddenly life performed me. It shook me, broke me, took me to a place of brokenness I never imagined and I imagine it won't be the last time. But in all of it. My life, before the Lord becomes Undone.
Welcome to my Undone Life.
Happy me... that's the me that is rested, snuggling with my man, reading a good book, relaxed refreshed and enjoying my girls playing nicely...
Sad me... Likely shriveled up in a ball on my bed, alone. Yeah that ones always depressing.
Church me..ALWAYS in tears. I think I've seen a few people cock their heads at me with perplexed faces a few times at my open show of emotion in a somewhat public setting. I'm that girl... you'll see me in the back of the church, head down crying probably more often than you'll get communion. I used to be a bit embarrassed about this. But, lately I've been embracing the tears and letting them flow. I've been embracing the undone....re-worked...totally changed... ever changing me.
You see, its been a long journey to finding myself. I turn 30 in a week and what do I have to show for it? From the outside you might say a beautiful family (two girls who I absolutely adore) and a very handsome husband. Seriously.... he's hot.
But on the inside I've gone from control freak to totally out of control. I've let go of so much going deeper in my perspective of Grace and Love that God has for me and others than I ever thought possible. I absolutely know I have a long journey ahead but the journey so far has been, well interesting and mildly, well terrifying.
This blog is an explanation... not that I owe anyone an explanation or that anyone even asked me for an explanation of all those Sunday mornings I spent crying in my seat, totally enthralled. Totally lost with Jesus. Its an explanation and a record of how someone can be changed from an absolute control freak, totally focused on their ability to perform in life, until suddenly life performed me. It shook me, broke me, took me to a place of brokenness I never imagined and I imagine it won't be the last time. But in all of it. My life, before the Lord becomes Undone.
Welcome to my Undone Life.
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