The Healing Room

In some of my other blogs I wrote about some lost relationships and challenges with deep depression and anxiety that haunted me for more years than I even realized until I got help. I had a great break through and I wanted to share it with all of you. I think the greatest thing that has worked against me in all of this has been the critical voice I heard constantly in the back of my head my entire life, and its my own.

I can make a lot of things about me, that are not. I can make it my job to fix everything, when its not. In fact... that's my pride. It being all about me. Isn't it? All my time spent on how others perceive me. How beautiful I am, how helpful I am... I... I ... I am the only one involved in all of this.

Learning this has been very difficult. Having children makes you realize how little life was meant to be about us as individuals and so much more about everyone. Loving and giving out. Its really simple but we make it so complicated... or at least I do.

When I was in my deep depression.. you know when I was taking enough sleeping pills to merit putting an elephant to sleep and heavily on anti-depressants, I remember feeling one thing.... SCREAMING FAILURE. "YOU ARE A FAILURE". That is all I heard and I thought I would never get better. I selfishly thought of ending things quite often just to make life stop and I was so empty and alone, or that is how I felt. Why am I telling you this...?

The other day I went back to the room at my parents house where I stayed when I was "sick".  Obviously God has healed me. I have claimed that over my life, but I many times that day walked by that room feeling ashamed. I even voiced to my mother in law that was the room I stayed in while I was "crazy". She reminded me I wasn't crazy (although I felt it at the time).  Well as I was folding a blanket and putting it on the bed in that same room the other day, the Lord spoke to me clear as day. "I so loved you in this place."

Excuse me Lord? "I so loved you in this place". I continued folding the blanket, but now tears were streaming down my face. How could He love me here? Here, where I hated life, I was the most selfish the most lost... the most confused. He loved this place with me?

After that day I decided it was time to view that room not as the "crazy" room, but as the healing room. Its where God healed me of my need to be perfect. He healed me of trying to fix the world because in that room I couldn't and I can't. The world is what it is, life will always have a challenge and I am not God. In fact, I will likely screw up over and over.. but the fact that He will always love me at my darkest and through that I am healed is so much more powerful than anything I experienced negatively at that time. Its all been so so painful. But, oh so worth hearing and knowing how MUCH I am loved by Jesus, not for what I do, but because of who He is.

For those who stayed...

I think in life it is so easy to focus on the things that didn't work out and the people that hurt you. Its so easy for the day to day to become about how someone left you at your most vulnerable moment, yes I've had this happen but I want to dedicate this blog post to those who stayed.

I want to say thank you to my parents who are always the cheerleaders of love and Gods righteousness in my life. They are always reminding me of how valuable I am to them and to Jesus.

I want to say thank you to my brothers and their wonderful wives and children for embracing me and loving me through some very vulnerable moments, your support is and was essential.

I want to say thank you to my in laws, Howard and Susie for all of your wisdom and challenging me to press on at all times.

To my brother and sister in law Mark and Trinity who have never once judged me and who are constant friends in our lives, though we don't see you nearly enough.

I want to say thank you to Andrea. You have a place in my heart that few have acquired. An unending trust and you are truly a gift from heaven to me. Thank you for the prayers, the coffee, the quick response to many challenging moments. You have built me up.

I want to say thank you to the friends I have who maybe haven't been in the trenches with me at every moment, but never for a moment left me when they knew the trenches I was in. I want them to know how valuable their friendship is, how important their love is in my life.

And foremost, I want to thank my husband Jeremiah. You have my heart, my life and I love you more than words can express. I am truly the luckiest girl in the world to have you by my side and I will forever thank God for bringing you to me.

To my children. You are my reason. You are my future and I love you so.

Words of encouragement and faith have been spoken to me over and over. It is so amazing how God has used so many people to remind me of His faithfulness. That no matter how dark things seem, God is right there. Holding my hand. Nothing matters but the love of Jesus. His patience, his kindness, his mercy. All of you have shown this to me in one way or another. What an amazing life I have. What an amazing hope we have in Christ. How deep the fathers love for us.

Soon it will be light

This subject for me is difficult. Its that of my issues with depression, the long journey it has taken me to get here. Even though, here may not be where I'd like to be at this moment in time. It is, and I must in my weakness place myself in the arms of Christ. Broken, but beautiful. Because he loves me.

I tossed and turned for hours last night. Struggling with quite negative thinking. Quoting scripture after scripture. Striving, sweating, the room seemed warmer, my eyes were red with dark circles under them, once I went to the bathroom to splash my face. Lord, why must I struggle? Its a circle of frustration that drives me to my knees about once a year. I first was diagnosed with depression after my first daughter was born and spent my days in a puddle of tears, hanging out in my room while my parents looked after my 8 month old baby. I felt so much shame. All my life I have been told I've been given so much and in reality I have.

I don't come from a home of abuse or neglect. It is likely my own perception of the high expectations God or others might have of me that likely drives me to this place. Not to mention the physical and very real aspect of serotonin loss due to stress. Its something that I battle, gratefully not alone. I told one friend that depression in your mind is like sitting in a dark room with no door. Its trying to run when your body just wants you to sit. Its not something you can just "wish" or even pray  your way out of in one night. Some people have different severities of it, from PTSD to Bi-Polar disorder. These are REAL challenges. Real health issues that need to be seen as such by Christians and people as a whole. 

For me, having this issue makes it impossible to watch violent movies, read current events in some cases or even the sad stories that I so long to help with. When I am here, I must be guarded and reach for the comedy section. I must surround myself with people who love me and don't tell me to get off my medication or to stay on or to do anything. I just need people. I need to know that I don't have to be ashamed and that I am allowed to go through this. I have to allow myself to go through it.

So many people deal with depression. We lost a friend recently who had this struggle and no outlet. He was self-medicating and it was a strong reminder to me of my need for God, relationship, comedy and the ability to be honest. I want to give out, I want to pour into others and I do daily pouring into my girls, and the little girl I nanny, but it takes strength. I am amazed at what some people can handle without being diagnosed with anything. My goal, to come out of the hole soon using my meds and the list above, love my friends and family and keep on keeping on. By Grace. Not by how I achieved anything, but because of how much I am so loved by my savior. He doesn't look at me and list all of the things I'm doing wrong. He doesn't see my sin. He sees his finished work completed in me and for that I can rejoice. For today, I will take medication, sleep often and laugh at stupid memes on Pinterest.

Its okay to feel this way, its okay to need people, its okay to be weak. When I am weak, He is strong. Be strong in me today Jesus.

Stronger than me.

I think its important to have relationships in your life with people who are stronger than you. I'm not saying we should view ourselves as "less than" others, but I strongly believe in learning from other people.

Its funny how I am now a stay at home mom and so much of what I learned in college, studying other cultures (International Studies) has helped me immensely in understanding people, or at least its given me the grace to try. I'm the type of person who can walk into a room and talk to every person there. I can look them in the eye and shake their hand. I want to hear their stories, I genuinely want to understand people better. I've always been this way, and its a strength I guess. I'm also great at timing. I'm great at planning parties, listening to my girls, sometimes writing... speeches, and occasionally song writing.
I have strengths. But I also have great weaknesses.

I worry to much about what people think. I'm quick to make decisions, I can be impatient and quick to speak. I am horrible at math, it takes me forever to memorize anything, people are surprised if I can tell a good joke in the right timing and well the list likely goes on..

My husband and I are polar opposites. His strengths... math, memorizing facts, comedy, confidence, patience, timing and ultimately leading. I remember seeing him for the first time and thinking he was a challenge. Because I thought he clearly thought for himself, much in the same way I do. He flew under the radar and he spent his time studying, drinking beer with friends, talking politics and not worrying AT ALL about what people think. oh and did I mention... he loved Jesus?

In fact, when I met my handsome husband he was probably the worst dressed person I'd ever seen. (I've since helped him with this haha) But, I was so attracted to him because well,  he was leading. He was a "rebel" compared to the church boys I was so accustomed to. Because he didn't jump when everyone else was. He listened to rock music. Lived in the country for most of his life and had zero interest in the mall.

He beat to his own drum. I wanted to beat to my own drum so badly. Growing up in a culture that felt much to me like a fish bowl... (political family, prominent family in the church... whatever that means).. I wanted to escape it all. He was safe, because he loved Jesus. That was always a non-negotiable, but he was always intriguing to me. The way he wore that baggy ill fitting sweater and listened to M&M at church that night, but came to see me because he wanted to. I loved it. He didn't look around the room and think.. oh God... I need to change how I look... who I am and what I do to impress this girl. In fact, if he had.. I wouldn't have been impressed.

I fell deeply in love with my husband over coffee. Listening to his passion for his family. Yep, that was the first thing he talked about, his family, not his pedigree. He was genuinely interested in mine, not like other men. I'd had guys interested in getting internships with my parents or this and that about politics or who I knew... but he wanted to know... me.

He was handsome, had an innocence about him and I quickly learned he'd never kissed another girl. He was officially in with me.

When we got married, our personalities quickly conflicted. We fought about everything. Then made out.... then we fought. It was like two rams batting heads. We wanted things This way, I wanted things that way! I was loud and outspoken, he wanted things quiet. He worked nights and for years our life was a bit crazy. But I was and still am, so in love.

Jeremiah has taught me so much about life. Mostly to be who you are and don't give a shit about what other people think. He still beats to his own drum. We've gotten through dark times, beautiful times and the daily conundrums together. Totally opposites, totally in need of each others strengths. I am so glad I married someone stronger than me. More confident than me in areas I will likely always battle. I am so glad, he is stronger than me.

Love you Jeremiah Allan.

The Employable Mom

My life is a little crazy right now. I'm watch 3 kids Monday through Friday. Two toddlers and a 4 year old can teach you a lot about yourself, your patience and your willingness to give when your, well done giving.  I had someone recently pass judgment on me about how I chose to put my kids before a "real" business position. I'm writing this one, because well I feel like until  you have kids, please don't talk to me about life priorities and until you've been through my life, walked in my shoes, please don't tell me I'm not doing "enough" for women in our society. In fact, our society is screwed up and a lack of mom's sacrificing for their kids is a huge part of the problem...

Until you have kids you don't realize how real this term is "Its better to give than to receive". "Above all else, love". Before I had kids, the first thing I thought of in the morning when rolling out of bed was myself. I thought of how I would get through another "grueling" day. Now, I'm not saying my life was without challenges, but truly it was completely about me.

Every day was about me. How I looked, how I felt, how I couldn't face another day without this thing or that thing I didn't have. I was quite honestly very selfish. I had a heart for other people sure, but it was with the premise that I was the good one. I had accomplished some great feat by helping someone in need. What a crock.

Today my life is filled with shit. Diaper shit, crying babies, dancing around a room like an idiot with my girls, cleaning up snotty noses, waking up often 5 times a week at 1AM when my little girls are sick. I got the guy of my dreams, the independence I sought and yet so little of life is "mine". Everything I have, all of my energy goes into these sweet babies. But why? Why give up my 4 year degree? Why not pursue "my goals". Now, I grew up with a career mom and I truly believe she did an amazing job given the circumstances. However, here is what so many young women are missing these days... today, your kids are young. You can teach them. YOU can raise them. You can mold their character and build stability in their lives like no one else. These years, they won't come back around. For this reason,  until my children are in full time school, I won't be working as anything but a nanny God willing.

Being a mom is not easy. If it was, A LOT more women would be choosing to stay at home frankly. I had a pediatrician (female) with two little kids tell me the other day that she thinks staying at home would be way harder than going to work every day. Work has structure, work doesn't have little people screaming at you for a baba randomly, pulling at your nerves. Work is work. Kids however, they are a little more unpredictable. They will mess with your computer, make huge messes on the floor, scream and hit and cry and on and on...so if your looking for an unpredictable job, that will build your character, be a mom.

You have no escape from these little people who have taken over your lives, when your a mom. The cool thing though, is they take over your heart as well. You rejoice when they learn something new, laugh when they are being silly and commend them when they are doing something that takes character. Today, so many moms have chosen not to engage with their children. Partly because I believe society looks down on us Stay at Home Moms. I don't look down on anyone, but I don't like to be judged for my life. I will work one day. But your not in my life and if you choose to judge someone who prefers the sweet smile of their children each morning to a desk and a computer in an office, then you've missed the point all together. I am college educated, I am very employable, I am a hard worker, I am a mom.

I choose to put my kids first. I hope so many other women out there do too, if they are able. Life is about loving people first, not about the amount of money we have in our pockets. Do what you have to do, but if you are given the opportunity to stay home with your kids at least for a season, take it. It will make you and them such deeper people. It will build in you love and patience you never thought possible. I love my kids. Period. Word.

Friends: Conflict and Resolution... Wait...

"When you attack someone's character you are partnering with the Devil to help them believe that about themselves" - My Dear Friend

An amazing girl friend of mine shared that with me this week.  I laugh because I didn't even see things this way until now. Friendship for me has been a very rocky journey, that started when I was a little girl who really had zero self esteem, mostly because I was slightly awkward but also very outspoken and people being people...let me know that.

I was the kid who had candy placed in her hair, I was called fat more times than I can count (I was the same size as all the other girls) and I was made the subject of insults for years at my school, to the point that my parents finally took me out of school. I cried myself to sleep most nights and I genuinely began to hate myself. I hated who God made me to be. I hated how I looked, I hated me. I know a lot of little girls and boys can relate to this story and I feel for them. Deeply.

This began a long journey of trying to "do" stuff to be loved by other people. I thought... okay if I can help people... maybe I'll be accepted and I was right, I was to an extent.  Throughout High School and even in college this perspective continued to be my anchor in relationships. It turned out though I had a few expectations of those I'd helped. I wanted them to love me back... and for life. But, often, these same people wouldn't be there when I thought they needed to be. I found myself constantly disappointed and dissatisfied. I was so angry at life and at people. I thought, why even try? I started to realize I wanted them to know they had hurt me. I wanted justice. Because, why don't I deserve to be treated the way others want to be treated? Why don't I get the same blah blah blah treatment... and well... ME!!!!!

So I began telling my friends what I thought of their behavior at every turn. I didn't like that, they needed to change that, God didn't like that about them. Wow I turned into a total cow, looking back. I of course would continue doing "good" for these people, but ultimately expected, expected expected....

Its amazing how life changes you.. Fast forward a few years and I have no friends. The friends I do have can't stand me half the time and the others are just bidding hi to me when they have to. At this point I had been in quite a few screaming matches with friends and had said more than my fair share of sharp words, attacking their character. God had a few lessons to teach me...

It has been a long, very painful journey in this area of my life. First realizing I have value and that Christs perspective of me is the only one that matters. That's a long story for another day, but lets just say I'm finally loving who God made me to be and its really a lot of fun. I was trying to find my value in people, who are feeble, changing and often self focused... oops. I know this because I'm the same way. :)

The second lesson, was in how I treat others. Because over time I realized people need you to set your own relational boundaries (people will treat you the way you let them treat you) and also, to attack someone's character or dreams is to attack what Gods perspective of them is. I realize words hurt. I never want to make fun of people who have gifting's but haven't moved in them, I want to believe with them. I never want to tear someone down because they've hurt me, I want to express my pain and be vulnerable. I never want to make someone feel the way I've felt.

Ultimately I am so blessed. I have an amazing family and today I have healthier friendships than I've ever had but its funny how long that all took. Some of those people I had to well, let go of because they didn't value me. It doesn't mean God doesn't believe in them or love them, it just means that I had to let go. So conflict does not always mean resolution. It means resolution sometimes to believe in who God said you are, to be kind to people, but to set healthy boundaries. Conflict and resolution yes, but sometimes maybe not in the way you had originally thought.

Crying in Church

Angry me. That's who you might see during the week when my kids are screaming, the laundry isn't done and my boss just told me I suck.  That's the me that wants to scream and yell and be upset and... and sometimes I do, not proud moments, but moments indeed.

Happy me... that's the me that is rested, snuggling with my man, reading a good book, relaxed refreshed and enjoying my girls playing nicely...

Sad me... Likely shriveled up in a ball on my bed, alone. Yeah that ones always depressing.

Church me..ALWAYS in tears.  I think I've seen a few people cock their heads at me with perplexed faces a few times at my open show of emotion in a somewhat public setting. I'm that girl... you'll see me in the back of the church, head down crying probably more often than you'll get communion. I used to be a bit embarrassed about this. But, lately I've been embracing the tears and letting them flow. I've been embracing the undone....re-worked...totally changed... ever changing me.

You see, its been a long journey to finding myself. I turn 30 in a week and what do I have to show for it? From the outside you might say a beautiful family (two girls who I absolutely adore) and a very handsome husband.  Seriously.... he's hot.

But on the inside I've gone from control freak to totally out of control. I've let go of so much going deeper in my perspective of Grace and Love that God has for me and others than I ever thought possible. I absolutely know I have a long journey ahead but the journey so far has been, well interesting and mildly, well terrifying.

This blog is an explanation... not that I owe anyone an explanation or that anyone even asked me for an explanation of all those Sunday mornings I spent crying in my seat, totally enthralled. Totally lost with Jesus. Its an explanation and a record of how someone can be changed from an absolute control freak, totally focused on their ability to perform in life, until suddenly life performed me. It shook me, broke me, took me to a place of brokenness I never imagined and I imagine it won't be the last time. But in all of it. My life, before the Lord becomes Undone.

Welcome to my Undone Life.