This subject for me is difficult. Its that of my issues with depression, the long journey it has taken me to get here. Even though, here may not be where I'd like to be at this moment in time. It is, and I must in my weakness place myself in the arms of Christ. Broken, but beautiful. Because he loves me.
I tossed and turned for hours last night. Struggling with quite negative thinking. Quoting scripture after scripture. Striving, sweating, the room seemed warmer, my eyes were red with dark circles under them, once I went to the bathroom to splash my face. Lord, why must I struggle? Its a circle of frustration that drives me to my knees about once a year. I first was diagnosed with depression after my first daughter was born and spent my days in a puddle of tears, hanging out in my room while my parents looked after my 8 month old baby. I felt so much shame. All my life I have been told I've been given so much and in reality I have.
I don't come from a home of abuse or neglect. It is likely my own perception of the high expectations God or others might have of me that likely drives me to this place. Not to mention the physical and very real aspect of serotonin loss due to stress. Its something that I battle, gratefully not alone. I told one friend that depression in your mind is like sitting in a dark room with no door. Its trying to run when your body just wants you to sit. Its not something you can just "wish" or even pray your way out of in one night. Some people have different severities of it, from PTSD to Bi-Polar disorder. These are REAL challenges. Real health issues that need to be seen as such by Christians and people as a whole.
For me, having this issue makes it impossible to watch violent movies, read current events in some cases or even the sad stories that I so long to help with. When I am here, I must be guarded and reach for the comedy section. I must surround myself with people who love me and don't tell me to get off my medication or to stay on or to do anything. I just need people. I need to know that I don't have to be ashamed and that I am allowed to go through this. I have to allow myself to go through it.
So many people deal with depression. We lost a friend recently who had this struggle and no outlet. He was self-medicating and it was a strong reminder to me of my need for God, relationship, comedy and the ability to be honest. I want to give out, I want to pour into others and I do daily pouring into my girls, and the little girl I nanny, but it takes strength. I am amazed at what some people can handle without being diagnosed with anything. My goal, to come out of the hole soon using my meds and the list above, love my friends and family and keep on keeping on. By Grace. Not by how I achieved anything, but because of how much I am so loved by my savior. He doesn't look at me and list all of the things I'm doing wrong. He doesn't see my sin. He sees his finished work completed in me and for that I can rejoice. For today, I will take medication, sleep often and laugh at stupid memes on Pinterest.
Its okay to feel this way, its okay to need people, its okay to be weak. When I am weak, He is strong. Be strong in me today Jesus.
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